Responsibility and Organization From the Lost and Found

Why Objects and Belongings Go Missing
There are several reasons kids lose things. Some of the reasons are simply due to inattention or lack of caring. But some reasons are based in child development.
Objects and Values
Children don't perceived the need for the item(s) the way adults do. An example is winter coats that parents value because they are nice and toasty. The warmth factor isn't valued by kids because they are highly active and generating their own heat with running and jumping around (which is why they take them off and forget where they put them).
Children don't pay attention to what adults value because it means nothing to them. Money and replacement process doesn't affect them as it does the adult, so there is no "cost" to it. Adults simply replace the items because they are needed and the child goes on.
Having said that, children from poverty who are given a "status" coat (or store-bought for Christmas or birthday as opposed to a donated "non-status" coat) will usually keep their coats on them at all times, even inside the classroom, and care for the coat at all times. It is valued because there is no money in the family and the new-ness aspect is valued, because most of their clothing is hand-me-downs or from the charity boxes.
Some children (and adults) seem to treasure their belongings for emotional reasons. These children seem to be less involved with people and more involved with objects. Sometimes this will be a personality compensation for lack of relationships or fear of relationships. Sometimes it is because they value the object(s) for emotional reasons (given to them by....).
Organization
Organization is an entirely different skill that is developmental. Part of organizational skills comes from the routine habits that are directly attributable to consistent parental reinforcement: clean up your room/toys, put things away where they belong/you found them, keeping clothing organized in drawers and/or closets, etc.
When it comes to internal or self-organization of their lives and possessions, children must develop neurological (mental) functioning skills that develop in stages. There are many subtle stages of cognitive (mental reasoning) development that children go through. Since they are subtle, those stages creep along until the parent suddenly realizes the child has "grown up" a bit, because the child performs differently.
These stages appear in order, without any skipping of stages. Should a stage be incomplete in development, the child will have incomplete development and not progress on a solid foundation.
To have all of these stages develop appropriately and completely, the child must acquire language skills that are complex and descriptive. Language seems to be the foundation for how a child can manipulate objects, concepts, and thoughts. Language forms the rules by which the child orders his/her world and objects.
Without the language skills, chaos rules. When the child functions in chaos, nothing is important, because everything is equal to each other, without possibility of being organized into categories or hierarchies. For more information about language and cognitive development, visit our website.

Jennifer Little, Ph.D.
All children can succeed in school. Parents can help their children by teaching the foundational skills that schools presume children have. Without the foundation for schools' academic instruction, children needlessly struggle and/or fail. Their future becomes affected because they then believe they are less than others, not able to succeed or achieve or provide for themselves or their families. Visit http://parentsteachkids.com to learn how to directly help your child and http://easyschoolsuccess.com to learn what is needed for education reform efforts to be successful.

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How to Manage Teenage Stress

Teenagers, just by existing, generate and live within their own spheres of incredible stress. The origins of their stress are mostly in biology. The hormones rage and fluctuate, almost moment by moment and they never have a sense of personal self-control (usually because they don't). Their behaviors take wide swings along with that personal chemistry. Adults and peers watch with incredulity and/or react with emotional bonds that try the patience and tolerance of a saint.
The sweet, cuddly child disappears around the age of 11-13 years and their body becomes occupied by a being alien to anyone you previously knew. Almost simultaneously, that individual you used to love and adore now manages to pull off behaviors, attitudes, and moments of awareness that could be either those of an elderly relative and a preschooler. They enter the vortex of being another species to the one who cohabited with you for more than a decade.
The worst moments of dealing with teenagers tend to be when adults set limits, often seemingly arbitrarily, and are rigid in enforcing consequences. Teens need some latitude, otherwise they will overtly rebel against anything that parents set as a limitations or rules.
The Bad News
Your child is clueless about what (s)he says and does and how it affects you. Eyeballs roll, hands go on hips and tones of voice are sarcastic or snotty. Petty comments blurt from their mouths. Chores and homework are burdens that usually remain undone. Bedrooms become garbage pits or at least laundry rooms. Sibling rivalry doesn't touch the arguments and digs made to younger siblings. The favorite pass times are: eating and sleeping; emailing, texting and talking on the phone with friends (preferably using a cell phone with minutes you must pay for); and spending hours on Facebook with friends they just spent the day with at school. The least favorite people in the world (other than younger siblings) are parents, especially mothers who hug, kiss or say the word "love in front of their friends and generally exist to embarrass them at any given moment. Girls shriek and sulk, boys become sullen and defiant. It is the time during which you want to find a vacation home and move out without them. And the worst part of it? It goes on seemingly forever, especially if you have ones that follow right along on the heels of the oldest!
The Good News
Yes, there is good news, and sometimes you have to keep on remembering that it is there but hidden somewhere at the moment. Adolescents can be reasoned with - they actually prefer being reasoned with instead of being given directions like a young child. The more calm and reasonable you are, the better their behavior will be (and less for you to react to).
They want to hear your reasons because they no longer view parents as infallible and omnipotent. They want to make decisions for themselves, and your reasoning often helps guide them during processes they are experimenting with. Fathers used to be "sideline" parents, those to go to when mom didn't meet their needs. This is the time period when fathers become much more important because they tend to deal with situations less emotionally than do mothers who feel rejected and unwanted (and frustrated with insolent behaviors).
Teens need to know they are loved and respected as individuals, preferably as "adults". When adults reason with them and let them make decisions (usually controlled ones with minimal consequences), it helps them feel that they have some control over their lives. The more often adults can identify the problems in calm, clear terms and then help them identify the options they have.
Adults become so accustomed to making all the decisions and giving directions that they forget to help their children learn to make their own choices and decisions. Teaching them these skills should not begin when they are teens but when they are children. There are many incremental steps that need to be mastered before anyone is fully competent at decision making.
We need to remember that each of us has made poor choices and bad decisions, so the learning has to start sometime. Those "alien beings" will grow out of this phase of development and become amazingly incredible "near-adults" about the age of 16. In no time at all, they are 18 and making all their own choices and decisions. Hopefully, you will have given them the firm foundation they need.

Jennifer Little, Ph.D.
All children can succeed in school. Parents can help their children by teaching the foundational skills that schools presume children have. Without the foundation for schools' academic instruction, children needlessly struggle and/or fail. Their future becomes affected because they then believe they are less than others, not able to succeed or achieve or provide for themselves or their families. Visit http://parentsteachkids.com to learn how to directly help your child and http://easyschoolsuccess.com to learn what is needed for education reform efforts to be successful.

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